another one

if i'm honest, 23 was a tough one. i was hard on myself. i avoided the spotlight. i thought, if i could just be this, achieve that, look like this, portray that, then then i'll be loved/worthy/accomplished/ready/understood/happy/fulfilled the list goes on.
there were (many) times it was hard to look in the mirror and see a girl i loved. a lot of times i looked and felt like a stranger.

but, and oh this is a big but,
this year grew me in more ways than i ever could have imagined.
this year i met challenge with confidence
uncertainty with grace
diversity with family
defeat with understanding
judgement with compassion
opportunity with leadership

i surprised myself in so many ways. i felt truly proud of myself and i learned to relish in that pride. i found so much joy and wonder in tiny humans (they are our future and we can learn so much from their wide open and honest hearts). i learned a ton about leadership in business and also excel spreadsheets. i sat back, aware of my imperfection but learned (am learning) to see myself for Who I Am and Who i was created to be. i unlocked my inner goddess (thanks to many teachers) and am working to explore, unleash, and delve deep and deeper into discovering the astonishing woman inside me.

i felt the impact of good ole nyc:
taking the D train instead of the A train and ending up in the bronx at the peak of a baseball game at the yankee stadium (general train mishaps), making the trek to trader joe's during sunday rush-hour only to discover they're out of each specific grocery item i needed, getting mugged/robbed, having my driver's license stolen, and then losing my passport on the train (shout out to Rach for being my witness and to the post office employee for the reality check: "girl, you need to get your life together"), falling asleep on the subway, witnessing someone peeing on the subway, general subway woes, signing a new lease, trying to get a bookshelf from the upper west side to the heights (note to self: uber XL is not a moving service), general moving woes, calling con-Ed in fear of a gas leak which elicited the entire fire department to our apartment at 7am only to be told...well, the pilot light was out ...i could fill a book and it's only been ten months. 

i decorated and built an apartment.
i managed to keep my plants alive and thrivin
i fell in love with a city that never sleeps.
   and its strangers. and its pups.
i made dental & vision appointments using my own insurance for the very first time.
i ate (a lot of) vegan ice cream cones.
i belonged.
i found yoga in a completely new way.
i spent my first christmas apart from my family by blood, but made the most special memories with my family by choice.
i created experiences and brought people together.
i maintained long distance friendships (god bless voice memos).
i fell in love with writing again.
i danced in the kitchen on my 24th birthday with an (almost) 4 year old and a 4 year old at heart.
i met humans who changed my life (i hope ya know who you are).
i looked back a lot -- i did. on moments of fondness. moments when i felt safe and whole and sure about something. the people who inspired that in me. but that's okay.
because i looked forward a lot too. i managed to stay present.
i learned a whole lot about grace.

all these things, the peaks and valleys that make up life. i'm so thankful for all of it.
i want so much life it scares me. more than i know what to do with.
i want it in my bones and in my soul.
wound down so deep nothing can shake it.
and i'm gonna grasp it. all of it. i'm doing it now.

so, carly -
be brave
stay open,
remove the weight from your fingertips.
i love you.

& her eyes were soft & her love was the same