dear Lulu,

"why'd you stop?" she asked me, referring to that blissful moment i flung my hands into the air, acting on instinct & outside of inhibition.
i didn't have an answer, though i knew why. i was afraid. of being judged, laughed at, rejected. i was worried about belonging so i erased all the possibilities for things to go wrong - &  through the process, erased myself.
but that moment? the one where my hands weren't my hands, attached to my body, attached to my mind? but the hands of a healer woman, a freedom child, my truth girl? those hands and that girl felt it deep. & it felt good. it felt right to throw my hands into the air & my heart into the world. and she's right - why would i stop?

why would i stop laughing so hard, tears stream down my cheeks?
why would i stop belting lyrics that i don't know at the top of my lungs just to hear my own voice?
why would i quit dancing or sprinting across a bridge, or praying for a revolution?
and
why would i stop myself from seeing another person to their core and leaning into it? leaning into the energy. the energy that feels so warm i just want to crawl up inside and never leave. how could i stop that? the rush, the joy, the magic of living.

so, don't worry lulu. i won't. i won't stop throwing my hands into the air because it feels like freedom.
i won't stop climbing lighthouses during a rainstorm just to feel the wind in my hair, the salt on my cheeks. and i won't stop asking questions, delving deep into the soul of another - if they are so brave as to bare their soul to me.
i
will
not
limit
myself.

...and then she took the crumbled bag of popcorn & she held it up to the setting sun until it caught the light just right. "that shit's beautiful," she announced, all serious.

i smiled.
because may we all live like a bag of popcorn crumbs held up to the last bits of light just right is indeed the most beautiful thing in the whole damn world.