blindsided | bon iver

woah you know when a song takes you back to a single moment and all of your senses activate and you’re transported back in time & space.

17. i’m driving down white rock, late at night. 

the long way home. the backroads. backroad, i should say. a single lane dipping and rising, like a rollercoaster for 4 and unders. no cars, just me and my thoughts, and justin vernon's melodic voice sweetly coating the crackly speakers of my brother's hand-me-down Subaru. 

i always take white rock road when i need to think. and dream. it's my favorite detour (alternate route? is it only a detour if it takes less time to get to a place?) because it makes me feel like i’m the only one left in the whole universe. or at least in el dorado hills. which isn't saying much, but it's enough. for now.

so i am completely alone but strangely at peace. 
cause blinded, i am blindsided.

and the world disappears for a moment as the car, 

and me with it, 

dips into a valley, then comes up again for air. 
a parallel to my emotions, presently.

and i'm all consumed with loss, with goodbye, with change, with fear. 

leaving the one i love. that first love. turning from a life i’ve known. 
"cause blinded, i was blindsided" plays on repeat and repeat and repeat, until i am emma and forever ago is right now. 

and i’m driving but my head flickers through a montage of memories from the past year. 

and i smile as tears roll down my cheeks. 
and the car dips and rises.
and i don't understand that the rollercoaster is only just beginning. 

i don’t really know what the song means, don’t yet have the life experience or capacity to, but i know it’s sad and i know it makes me feel hard, and in that moment i understand for the first time what i will come to cling to again and again: 

that music is a replacement for emotions. 

that melody is a substitute for those feelings you can’t name. 

and that lyrics are the stories you are afraid to tell yourself. 

would you really rush out
for me now?