writing to remember
one time, 2 years ago, 2 months before i graduated from college, my best friend claire hit her head (she's okay) among a group of our friends & i wrote about it. i wrote about the scene of friendship, so strong that i knew i would never want to forget. & we're not all close anymore (i'm not sure now that we really ever were), but it doesn't matter because the moment was pure & it hit me deep. & it was a time in my life i felt known & loved - just for me. & isn't it true that we all crave belonging like we crave blankets in the night. to be apart of a group. to be seen. to feel alive. so here's that scene for you, 2 years later...
we are
one for the books. we are silly, laughing, loyal little beans, happy to be right here, beloved idiots all in one place.
i sit, existing in the presence of my friends. and suddenly i’m here, but i’m not. i’m looking over this scene of child like joy and deep felt laughter. the bones of these people i love.
and so quickly it can shift from playful bickering to top of the lungs singing to a VERY serious nerf gun competition. and i sit there from my slightly removed spot on the couch. my innocent vantage point, impossibly allowing me to see all, feel all. everything at once.
i breathe it in deep, careful not to disrupt the moment as i look to my right. cam and stephen in perfect unison, belting out song. and to my left: claire and jacob desperately grasping their stupid nerf guns. mischievous looks in their eyes, chasing one another around the kitchen in stiff competition like a couple of kids. and i look around at the pure joy and i feel it deep deep in my heart and if i didn’t know better i’d have thought this were a movie scene. and i think someday it will be.
and i laugh and i can’t stop laughing. and i almost choke on the love that is too deep within me. and then i blink and i am back in the room. and claire is reaching for her bag and i am preoccupied near the counter. and all of a sudden she’s lookin up at me and she’s got tears in her eyes.
“is my eye okay?” she asks me. and i laugh, thinking she’s kidding, because it’s claire who feels too hard and exaggerates too often and i love her for it. but then she loses her grip, her stance unsteady, and jacob is catching her asking if she’s okay. she shakes her head but she’s laughing and we lead her to the couch. and she lies down and we all surround her. all my friends.
so claire uncovers her eye and i see the bump that’s already making itself known. and over and over she says she’s gonna die and we laugh because we’ve got her safe. and jake is holding her head, telling her to “shhh it’s gonna be okay, you’re not gonna die” and once again, i’m removed - above - and i see the love so strong. and stephen announces, all serious, that he will get ice and does claire need any water? and he marches into the kitchen. and claire is embarrassed but she ought not to be and she demands that “no one look at her.” and cam has her back, pointing the nerf gun at all of us. “no one look at her! don’t look!” and we’ve got tears in our eyes as we step back and jordan from the bar, asks if she needs alcohol to numb the pain.
“two shots okay” we hear from the little couch potato and jordan pours and cam points, and jake comforts, and stephen yells, and devin laughs, and i just watch and i feel so full.
stephen comes back with water and jacob is gentle and jordan just stands there. “so do you want the shot?” and i cackle and claire gulps, and we all cheer.
bump growing larger, we leave and i drive and claire is shook but we smile so big because we belong and we are cared for and i think that’s all we really need in this life. “to be held when we can’t hold ourselves up.”
and i’m so dependent. on these people and this place and these moments of feeling impossibly alive. deeply known. why is it that we have to leave all that’s shaped us? and i owe it to you who have colored me in four years later. who have taught me passion and creativity, independence and to take risks and to love.
we’re not done yet. the art we will create together. the memories we make. the places we dwell.
we are
the reckless, wild youth.
let us live here forever.
we are
one for the books. we are silly, laughing, loyal little beans, happy to be right here, beloved idiots all in one place.
i sit, existing in the presence of my friends. and suddenly i’m here, but i’m not. i’m looking over this scene of child like joy and deep felt laughter. the bones of these people i love.
and so quickly it can shift from playful bickering to top of the lungs singing to a VERY serious nerf gun competition. and i sit there from my slightly removed spot on the couch. my innocent vantage point, impossibly allowing me to see all, feel all. everything at once.
i breathe it in deep, careful not to disrupt the moment as i look to my right. cam and stephen in perfect unison, belting out song. and to my left: claire and jacob desperately grasping their stupid nerf guns. mischievous looks in their eyes, chasing one another around the kitchen in stiff competition like a couple of kids. and i look around at the pure joy and i feel it deep deep in my heart and if i didn’t know better i’d have thought this were a movie scene. and i think someday it will be.
and i laugh and i can’t stop laughing. and i almost choke on the love that is too deep within me. and then i blink and i am back in the room. and claire is reaching for her bag and i am preoccupied near the counter. and all of a sudden she’s lookin up at me and she’s got tears in her eyes.
“is my eye okay?” she asks me. and i laugh, thinking she’s kidding, because it’s claire who feels too hard and exaggerates too often and i love her for it. but then she loses her grip, her stance unsteady, and jacob is catching her asking if she’s okay. she shakes her head but she’s laughing and we lead her to the couch. and she lies down and we all surround her. all my friends.
so claire uncovers her eye and i see the bump that’s already making itself known. and over and over she says she’s gonna die and we laugh because we’ve got her safe. and jake is holding her head, telling her to “shhh it’s gonna be okay, you’re not gonna die” and once again, i’m removed - above - and i see the love so strong. and stephen announces, all serious, that he will get ice and does claire need any water? and he marches into the kitchen. and claire is embarrassed but she ought not to be and she demands that “no one look at her.” and cam has her back, pointing the nerf gun at all of us. “no one look at her! don’t look!” and we’ve got tears in our eyes as we step back and jordan from the bar, asks if she needs alcohol to numb the pain.
“two shots okay” we hear from the little couch potato and jordan pours and cam points, and jake comforts, and stephen yells, and devin laughs, and i just watch and i feel so full.
stephen comes back with water and jacob is gentle and jordan just stands there. “so do you want the shot?” and i cackle and claire gulps, and we all cheer.
bump growing larger, we leave and i drive and claire is shook but we smile so big because we belong and we are cared for and i think that’s all we really need in this life. “to be held when we can’t hold ourselves up.”
and i’m so dependent. on these people and this place and these moments of feeling impossibly alive. deeply known. why is it that we have to leave all that’s shaped us? and i owe it to you who have colored me in four years later. who have taught me passion and creativity, independence and to take risks and to love.
we’re not done yet. the art we will create together. the memories we make. the places we dwell.
we are
the reckless, wild youth.
let us live here forever.
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