coming home

I suggest you listen to Fujitsu radio on Spotify as you read this. Perhaps it will put you in a vibey  headspace. It's working for me at least.

Do you ever feel certifiably insane? Like grounds for submission? The highest highs & the lowest lows in a matter of only a few days? Like you're one of those spinning tops swirling into the abyss? That vertigo is no joke. More like whiplash. It's hard to keep up. 

I feel as though I've lived a thousand lives in three days. I'm thankful though. Highs & lows are okay. Even in beautiful spaces surrounded by beautiful people. They're how you know you are human. That, and the massive organ in your chest. Beating wildly as it digests the night. 

I am an entirely different person than I was sitting in the La Guardia airport at 4am on October 30th. This morning, that terrified me. I didn't know how I would be able to cope with the changes. Didn't feel I possibly could. This morning, I was cracked wide open (perhaps I still am) and everything, I mean everything, hurt. When you forget you can be vulnerable, it sometimes hits you like a ton of bricks. Like, hey, member, you are human, you are not invincible. You are not made of stone (and you don't need to act like it).
 You can hurt and you can be hurt & you can crack & you can break.

 I asked for help. Begged for it, really. And you know what? A Titanic sized life boat came to my rescue, in the form of a too-heavy tourist paddle-board and a luminous lake. And she whispered secrets of the universe into my ear. Secrets that I was enough. More than enough. That I was whole and always would be as long as I had myself. That it was all perfect. All of it. The beautiful bits & the terrifyingly ugly. Even those I wanted to crumple into a million pieces and send through the shredder - it was all just as it was supposed to be. & everything that had happened thus far had led me to this moment right here. And this one. & the one tomorrow & the next day & 10 years down the line. & the cracks in the dam just barely holding me together split wide open & water - water & love & grace & gratitude & fear & failure & perfection & salt - flowed out of me. Out of me & right back into the vessel that held me. & then. Well, then I was free. 

And you know the most incredible part? After letting myself feel - I mean, really feel - and trust Who I Am deep down, I had so much space. Space for love and for grace and for peace. Epic proportion sized peace. & all of a sudden the spaces in the dam in me were filled with light. So much light. I was oozing light. I had so much of it to give. Because, you see, now - well, now i am electric. Electric with feminine power and love and the divine stuff. The stuff the stars are made of. The stuff charging this full moon. And guess what? We are all made of it. All of us. Trust that. And come home. 

Much love.
om mani padme hum ✨