a promise

if i ever have a daughter
i'll talk to her about love, about life, about chasing the light.
i'll tell her how we're all the same. and we're all just making a lot of mistakes.
trying to love in between.
i'll tell her this is okay, as long as we stay connected to truth in the midst.

if i ever have a daughter
i'll be honest when she asks me about who i am, about who i was
i'll tell her how i yearned for more, but i didn't know what 'more' was

when it comes to love,
i'll tell her about it's beauty, it's wonder.
how i felt it's pull like i felt my own heart beating
a quiet, steady drumming in my chest like the dragon king's daughter
marching toward her destiny.

illustration by @becca_reitz

when it comes to intimacy -
i'll tell her how i waited, and, listen close, it wasn't better or worse.
i'll tell her kissing is underrated
and so is dancing in an empty gas station under the full moon.

i'll tell her how i waited, and it wasn't at all how i pictured.
how i was grateful for that.
i'll tell her how i hid for so long
behind 'good girl' 'should, girl' 'right, child' 'polite child'

honey, there is no right or wrong.


i hid, but really, i was just scared
scared of not knowing who i was.
and so maybe i waited until i could see myself a little more fully
so that no one could un-do me in the process.
turns out i am proud of that.

illustration by @sacree_frangine

i'll tell her too that the waiting? i let it define me. intimidate me.
i'll tell her how i felt behind. like i wasn't a woman without this thing that was supposed to define womanhood. growing up.
instead, i felt like i was running out of time - as if there is a timeline for anything.
(sweetheart, there's not)

i'll be honest about the ways in which i could have protected myself, and didn't. about how i would do that part differently if i could. if only to avoid the anxiety that comes after.
darling, it's not worth it.

i'll tell her i wish someone had spoken to me more boldly, more simply
about the cautions, but about the pleasure too. about the power that is Woman.
how that power is hers to own. hers to reveal, unleash, gift, if and when she chooses.
i'll tell her i felt curious and empowered. i felt wild and freer than i ever have.
i'll tell her i hope she feels that way too.

ill tell her it hurt, but it wasn't painful
i'll tell her i bled, but i wasn't bleeding
i'll tell her this was just my experience.

i'll tell her how grounded i felt. how present.
i'll tell her how wonderful it is to be sober. 
i'll tell her anything and everything she wants to know.

i'll tell her about after. and after that.
about how the water healed me.

i'll tell her about the ways in which i thought everything would be different.
how nothing was.
the surprise, a bit of hurt, and ultimate relief that came from that.

illustration by @becca_reitz

one moment gets so much glory.
baby, maybe it shouldn't.

i'll tell her what i knew to be true all along.
how it is about love. with another, sure.
but mostly it is about the love you have for yourself.

i'll hold her and whisper the ways in which i love her so deeply
because she is apart of me.

if i ever have a daughter,
i'll tell her that, too.

i'll tell her all this and more. and so maybe she will see. and she won't ever be afraid.