in vain

i don't want to be reckless in my life. but what is the line between my carefully curated boundaries, and giving in to the moment? to the pleasure? when it feels so good.

or giving into the curiosity at least.

i want to show up in my full power, without the anxiety of disappointing anyone in the process. because it is really not worth the "what if" the "could be" the taxing on my body. when i make her the scapegoat. 

why is it so hard for me to discern whether it is a yes or a no? maybe because for so long it has always been "no no no" no questions asked. and now that button is turned off. ignored. silenced. because enough already.

so then how does the tide know when to come in and out?
it is unsaid.
a pull that comes from within. 
steady, firm, an inner knowing. 
there is no question.
no pregunta. 

and i can understand wanting to see if you can feel something. the curiosity. the intense anticipation of that. it's how i've always lived my life. "well, i have to at least find out." okay so how do i live in that while honoring MY needs, MY boundaries, MY desires.

how do i attract electric, but safe too. like the outlet protector in the wall.

i'm sorry for saying your name, Jesus. when i don't mean it. it's another way to rebel maybe.