ode to march

If daylight breaks and you're still miles away
You should move into cover
I'll try and stay in a more permanent way
Can we keep to each other?

You can do what you want
But I'm making my own way

Spotify can't always read my mind, but this week "they" could. So if you want a glimpse into the feeling the last few days, feel free to follow along (okay, there's no way to save a spotify weekly wah wah wah but i pretty much added them all to this playlist)

what are the things you cling to? when you're desperately trying to claw back to yourself? what are you positively convinced that without this you're not fully you? for me, it's busyness, productivity, movement, control, achievement. and when i get the space to reflect, i find that it all crumbles. 

march is for pruning. for grieving. and letting go. for allowing stillness & space. it’s for slowing down & allowing what is, to be. it’s for filling your mind with words & inspiration. it’s for allowing yourself to binge euphoria after a week of chaos and intensity, and then it’s for starting in on those books you haven’t had time for. it’s for tea that opens your heart. march is for pondering & noticing. & finally allowing in the cold weather (and maybe even enjoying it?). it's for herbs in your water. and for those moments where spring is surely on the horizon, but it hasn’t quite arrived. it’s for yearning and for mourning. It’s for re-learning love and friendship. march is for nurturing the heart. dark chocolate and mud water. and curry that soothes the soul. it’s for challenging those patterns that somehow continue to rise up when you actually slow down & create the space to feel. with truth and authenticity. when you stop telling yourself half-truths. and you actually notice what comes through. even if it hurts. march is for birds, and early mornings, and early nights.

and i hear the whisper. the yearning for purpose. and also for stability. for family. for nesting. and creating a home. permanency. 

and the softer whisper…what if i’m not ready yet?

and then

will i ever be?

and when you say you want to love me forever, why does doubt rise up in my chest? why do i get the feeling that i need to achieve these things on my own. that it's not a success if it's not all thanks to me. and where am i supposed to go next? and where would i be if i wasn't following this bliss? and why does everything need to have meaning in my mind? why can't i just let things be? 

because there is always a sense of limbo. and a feeling that there are things unfinished. that i can't find my footing. my ground. my purpose. and it always comes back to that, doesn't it.

and i read that this is all part of it. that when it feels like you are not moving toward your dreams, your essence, your you-ness, maybe it's just a call for patience, and for strategy. slowing down to meet your basic needs, and then moving from there to conquer the more existential ones. 

and honestly, i'm not sure where that leaves me. i'm not sure where i go next. not even sure if i'm truly learning from my mistakes. from my messy humanness. really, i just want to continue learning how to show up fully with the love i have. so i can give it away freely from the truest part of me. so that nothing is left abandoned, or tainted, or left out. so that i can create the space to find out exactly what's for me. and leave behind what isn't.

and be sure to tell the people that mean the world to you, that they still mean the world to you. tell them how deeply happy you are for them, even if things were left unsaid. tell them that you still learn so much from them. and that you're grateful to be their friend. tell them thank you. and then move forward.

happy march
xx