wildflowers

i had a full-fledged panic attack on a random sidewalk in the center of paris. you held me as french strangers hurried past.

i’m staying for 6 nights in an apartment with bare naked full walled windows where the sun doesn’t sleep until 10pm.

these things are inconsistent. and they are temporary. and they are true.

guess what? it is okay to encounter hard parts of yourself. parts you don't like very much. parts you'd much rather hide. or just ignore. push down deep so you don't have to reveal them or face them. so that you're not found out.
because here's what else: life is not meant to be preserved. nothing is fixed, nothing is sedentary. there are always highs, and lows, and lessons you thought you already learned.

and you know what? i don't want to preserve my seasons. the high ones or the low ones. maybe that's why i like real flowers so much. no matter how gorgeous and life-like the fake ones look. no matter how many times you have to water, or replace, or clean up the petals, or nurture them back to health. i'll take time over money any day.

because here's the thing about real flowers. they tell a story. they grow, they bloom, they wilt...sometimes they open again - and then they don't. but they never freeze at their prime. and neither do we. we are constantly moving and growing and wilting, and then blooming again. over and over and over.

nothing is fixed. nothing is promised. nothing is permanent. 

and i'll be honest. despite my surroundings and the perceptions of others, my head has pretty much been a mess the last 3 months. a mess of such highs and lows that at one point, I tactlessly, and absurdly wondered if i should be taking medication. i've experienced my own selfishness in my actions and reactions. i've worried i need more self discipline (i do). i've gone back and forth between the idea that i have too much work, and that i need to be more career-focused. i've questioned my love life and the choices i'll need to make in the future. i've moved from place to beautiful place with a numbness that really scares me. i've worried that i'll never amount to anything and that i won't make a difference in the world.

and writing this all out i cringe for the selfishness of it all. i have an intense urge to backspace.

because it all puts me at the center. as if the world spins around whether or not i'm doing this correctly. as if whether or not i make one choice or another even matters at all. and my consensus is that my head has had far too much power. control. and attention.

and i walked into the bathroom earlier this morning, thoughts mile a minute as usual these days. and i absentmindedly washed my hands, and i absentmindedly turned to dry them. and i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and simultaneously had 3 thoughts, but these came from deep inside.

1. maybe there's a lesson in here
2. maybe i haven't learned it yet
3. maybe i have to be exactly where i am in order to learn it.

want to know something else i realized? the moon moves in phases. while the sun doesn't change. another sign of nature reflecting our humanity back to us. the dance of the feminine and the masculine.